Pregnancy: FDA approved

Congratulations!  You've just been prescribed the pregnancy pill.  Continue to take this pill for the next 9ish months and you will have grown a human.  You can expect to experience a healthy glow, a recalibration of prior capabilities, and an overflow of attention from others.  We hope you enjoy your experience.

SIDE EFFECTS:
Now, nobody likes to talk about these, ahem, unpleasantries.  This is why they are usually in small print, underneath the big glossy photos of the beautiful, healthy, skinny (yes, even in the pregnancy magazines) people in all the advertising.  Sad to say, some if not all of these are likely to afflict you.  Intensity may vary.

Acne: Haven't had to worry about where to find the Neutrogina in the grocery store since you were 18?  Ha!  Start looking.  That "glow" those devils talk about is actually your body kicking its skin oil production into early teenage mode.  Fan-freaking-tastic.  Your really smart friends, who have been pregnant before, will notice your (as ever) futile attempts to cover up your new issue and figure out what you've got going on.  Everyone else will take one look at you and pass immediate judgment on your skills with personal hygene.

Memory/Cognition loss:  Now, you may be used to being a quick thinker.  And, I'm sure there was someting I was planning to say about that but 1) I forgot what it was and 2) sentence formulation and language skills overall have taken a dive.  As in: your brain may have slowed down so significantly you could probably watch an episode of The View and be pleasantly entertained rather than willed to weep gently for the state of your country.

Smell:  Were you one of those people who never noticed life's little olfactory stimuli?  You will now begin to notice that, in fact, the world stinks.  Oh yeah.  Hmmm, that guy next to you on the train, or in line at the store?  Previously you would not have known he didn't shower after his lunch break at the gym but now he will smell like a cab driver from an equatorial country.  In August.  And you'll begin to wish for a sterile lock on your trash can.  Even if all you had for dinner last night was popcorn you will swear that the mold responsible for penecillin's evil twin has sprouted in less than 8 hours.  On trash day, the world is your oyster.  Your fetid, decaying in the 90 degree sun oyster.

Attention: Congratulations!  Any and all queries are now on the table.  Previously well-brought up adults would certainly hesitate to ask you many of the things they now view as appropriate dinner conversation.  You will be expected to indulge their insensitive curiosities with every detail.  In addition, the comments on your physicality start NOW.

Many more side effects are likely and, as always, largely unavoidable.  Enjoy!