It has recently come to my attention that pregnant women are socially accepted as public property. More specifically, anything in the abdominal area appears to be open for buddha business.
Go ahead, try to touch me. I dare you. Maybe you'll start to understand why everyone is so obsessed with the whole 'ten fingers, ten toes' thing when you lose a couple of 'em.
Let me spell this out for you; unless you are the one who put this baby in this uterus, the rule is hands off. No woman gets pregnant just to make sure that people are going to rub her 'round area'.... well, maybe a few women do actually do this, but you probably ought to put on some gloves before you touch those doozies. Frankly it is strange to me that I should even have to spell this out. Would people think it approprate if we all started grabbing the breasts of recently augmented women just because they are bigger than they used to be? I don't suggest you try that one either, at least not without some bail money set aside.
Most people have seemed genuinely suprised at my unwelcoming attitute to this brazen lack of manners and invasion of privacy, and a couple have even looked hurt when I tell them to get their mitts off me. To those people I say "What the hell is wrong with you idiots?!".
How about we address some specific justifications for this invasion of privacy:
'But you look beautiful' well, thank you but last I checked I was still pretty OK looking before I got myself knocked up and you wouldn't have thought it acceptable to just start laying hands all over me before....
'But it's for good luck' let's just see how that works out for you in the immediate.
'I just want to see if I can feel the baby' What if I tell you it feels like a gut punch; or better yet, simulate it for you?
'Don't you like it' Yes, I love feeling like common livestock, so thanks for reading my mind and indulging me.
I would just like to add that it is not like I exude a welcoming aura. I guarantee that I come across as less touchable than buddha. By far.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Friday, October 22, 2010
Adventures in Babysitting
If you're not old enough to remember this movie, stop reading now because I might be about to start complaining about your peer group......
I've already talked about the young guy in the OB department who is more cheerful than smart, but as it turns out, he's got some friends. They work the front desk, 'work' being used liberally in this case, and some of them join him in getting the rooms/patients ready for the doctor. At my last appointment, the room tech was making small talk with me when she asked if we knew the sex of the baby. 'Yes, its a boy' I replied, to which she exclaimed "That's amazing!". Unable to stop myself, I reminded her that it really wasn't that amazing, since we had only two possibilities going in. I mean, suprising sure, but amazing? If I'm giving you news that you clearly didn't expect, then I'd think you might be entitled to go with 'Amazing'...... but if you work in this department, you've probably heard both answers before.
Upon the conclusion of my appointment, the Doc told me to make an appointment for four weeks from now at the desk before I left. Dutifully, I walk up to the desk and wait while the techs discuss different stereo speaker options. Finally, one notices that I'm standing there and asks me what I need. An appointment, I tell her. "Why?" she asks me. "Because Dr. told me to make one for four weeks from now", I reply. "No, I meant, why, like what for?" says the tech, clearly trying to win her Brownie badge for customer service. "What am I supposed to put as the reason for the appointment?" There is some obvious confusion here, and we talk through the fact that the Dr. told me to come back in four weeks. "Well, but Why?". Really?
Now, forgive me. This may seem obvious to me, but you work in the OB department. All the women here are pregnant, myself included. We are all taking orders from the doctor, which we then pass on to you. I assure you, I am not trying to create a secret, stealth appointment for a pedicure. And yet, you ask 'Why?'....
I've already talked about the young guy in the OB department who is more cheerful than smart, but as it turns out, he's got some friends. They work the front desk, 'work' being used liberally in this case, and some of them join him in getting the rooms/patients ready for the doctor. At my last appointment, the room tech was making small talk with me when she asked if we knew the sex of the baby. 'Yes, its a boy' I replied, to which she exclaimed "That's amazing!". Unable to stop myself, I reminded her that it really wasn't that amazing, since we had only two possibilities going in. I mean, suprising sure, but amazing? If I'm giving you news that you clearly didn't expect, then I'd think you might be entitled to go with 'Amazing'...... but if you work in this department, you've probably heard both answers before.
Upon the conclusion of my appointment, the Doc told me to make an appointment for four weeks from now at the desk before I left. Dutifully, I walk up to the desk and wait while the techs discuss different stereo speaker options. Finally, one notices that I'm standing there and asks me what I need. An appointment, I tell her. "Why?" she asks me. "Because Dr. told me to make one for four weeks from now", I reply. "No, I meant, why, like what for?" says the tech, clearly trying to win her Brownie badge for customer service. "What am I supposed to put as the reason for the appointment?" There is some obvious confusion here, and we talk through the fact that the Dr. told me to come back in four weeks. "Well, but Why?". Really?
Now, forgive me. This may seem obvious to me, but you work in the OB department. All the women here are pregnant, myself included. We are all taking orders from the doctor, which we then pass on to you. I assure you, I am not trying to create a secret, stealth appointment for a pedicure. And yet, you ask 'Why?'....
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Not really what I had in mind........
So, it turns out that if you type in 'nipple shield' on Amazon.com, you get a strange mix of breastfeeding supplies and, well, stuff like this:
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
I learned to read for this?
One of the first things I wanted to do after I found out that I was pregnant was to buy some books. I should quickly say that I do love to buy me some books and generally can't get out of a bookstore for under $75, so this was not a strange feeling for me. Oh woe was me upon discovering that 98.2% of the pregnancy, parenting, and baby books out there are really not written with people like me in mind. That would be, generally speaking, people with a mind.
First of all, if you are 22, did not pay attention in any science class in any school you attended, have ADD, or love people who owe their celebrity to Oprah, we will not agree on this topic. Stop reading now and I won't have to apologize for having hurt your feelings.
However, if you are not 22, did pay attention at some point to a little science, do not have ADD, and like me, detest everyone whose celebrity was a gift from Oprah, good luck. Most of the books out there are not written or printed with you in mind. First, you've got your standard warnings, which I will loosely summarize for you. YOU ARE SCREWED. You can't avoid eating things that will cause terrible things to happen to your kid, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of its life. Then, you have the totally contradictory 'advice' on weight gain and pregnancy diet. You'll be told, Mr. Hyde style, that you should make all calories count, that it is important to moderate your weight gain so that it is slow and steady throughout the pregnancy, and that you are nourishing your child with every piece of food energy you ingest. Next, your friend Dr. Jekyll will use his scary voice to let you know that very few women actually stay within the weight guidelines, that you will be so hungry that you're likely to eat the arm off your husband if you aren't inhaling whatever it is you might want to eat at any moment, and that there is no way you'll ever get enough of all the recommended nutrients that you absolutely need to have to ensure a healthy baby. And as if that's not enough, you're told that if you don't like the giant thing you're becoming just don't look in the mirror. Because that's advice that we're all capable of listening to.
Then we move on to the possible complications, but you can relax. They're all normal, except when they're not. This will be followed with mostly ambiguous warning signs and the startlingly similar list of things that just happen to all the gals. Oh, and in case you weren't feeling stressed out enough (which you know you shouldn't be doing since it's important to remain calm at all times for the sake of the baby), let's talk about the actual labor and delivery and how wonderful (I mean HOLY CRAP look at all the things that can go wrong and FML how much this is all going to hurt) it will all be. There are likely to be several stories in these sections about how strong and empowered you will feel if you decide not to use any pain management at all. These will be just before the section that actually deals with pain management for us pussies who plan on using it.
Don't you feel so much better being informed now? Oh, don't forget to sign up for a 9 month subscription to a pregnancy magazine, so that every month you can read the same thing, slightly different. A sampling of headlines, although they will be slightly altered each month and moved around on the cover so you feel like you're getting some new information:
Why You Really Don't Want a C-Section. -wow, thanks, because last I checked there was a lot of input on this by your doctor. At the last minute. For a reason. Way to make me feel guilty in advance for something that might become a medical necessity.
Worried About Your Post Baby Body? -seriously? Nah, I was just thinking all those famous women shrunk right back up so it should be a cinch.
Must Have Baby ________ For The First Year -yay, nice to know the folks that subconsciously shape your purchasing in the. regular womens' mags have trained this bunch too.
Pregnancy Fashion -now, this is actually like the comedy section for me. All of the 'fashion' spreads in the magazines I have seen are chuckle worthy, since they take these models (models!) who look bloated and uncomfortable and put them in high heels and fancy dresses. Nobody looks remotely happy.
Cord Blood Banking -is it for you? -An overview of how valuable cord blood banking is, and a true examination of why it is totally OK to store something at ridiculous expense for the exclusive use of your family in the 0.03% chance you might need it or be able to use it, vice donating to a national database where you and others would have access to possible life saving care in the future.
And of course, the advertising. Fat babies, pudgy kids, skinny babies (OK, not that many skinny babies since the fat ones are supposed to be 'cuter'), all shilling some thing that you may or (more likely) may not need. Oh, and about as much boobie as a Nat Geo magazine, although they do all have babies attached to them. My favorite? An ad for a Boppy pillow that straight up tells you that if you don't buy a new one for your second child, he will know that he is less important to you than your first child is. Wow. All I can say about that is Wow.
Any wonder I'm now reading a biography of Andrew Jackson?
First of all, if you are 22, did not pay attention in any science class in any school you attended, have ADD, or love people who owe their celebrity to Oprah, we will not agree on this topic. Stop reading now and I won't have to apologize for having hurt your feelings.
However, if you are not 22, did pay attention at some point to a little science, do not have ADD, and like me, detest everyone whose celebrity was a gift from Oprah, good luck. Most of the books out there are not written or printed with you in mind. First, you've got your standard warnings, which I will loosely summarize for you. YOU ARE SCREWED. You can't avoid eating things that will cause terrible things to happen to your kid, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of its life. Then, you have the totally contradictory 'advice' on weight gain and pregnancy diet. You'll be told, Mr. Hyde style, that you should make all calories count, that it is important to moderate your weight gain so that it is slow and steady throughout the pregnancy, and that you are nourishing your child with every piece of food energy you ingest. Next, your friend Dr. Jekyll will use his scary voice to let you know that very few women actually stay within the weight guidelines, that you will be so hungry that you're likely to eat the arm off your husband if you aren't inhaling whatever it is you might want to eat at any moment, and that there is no way you'll ever get enough of all the recommended nutrients that you absolutely need to have to ensure a healthy baby. And as if that's not enough, you're told that if you don't like the giant thing you're becoming just don't look in the mirror. Because that's advice that we're all capable of listening to.
Then we move on to the possible complications, but you can relax. They're all normal, except when they're not. This will be followed with mostly ambiguous warning signs and the startlingly similar list of things that just happen to all the gals. Oh, and in case you weren't feeling stressed out enough (which you know you shouldn't be doing since it's important to remain calm at all times for the sake of the baby), let's talk about the actual labor and delivery and how wonderful (I mean HOLY CRAP look at all the things that can go wrong and FML how much this is all going to hurt) it will all be. There are likely to be several stories in these sections about how strong and empowered you will feel if you decide not to use any pain management at all. These will be just before the section that actually deals with pain management for us pussies who plan on using it.
Don't you feel so much better being informed now? Oh, don't forget to sign up for a 9 month subscription to a pregnancy magazine, so that every month you can read the same thing, slightly different. A sampling of headlines, although they will be slightly altered each month and moved around on the cover so you feel like you're getting some new information:
Why You Really Don't Want a C-Section. -wow, thanks, because last I checked there was a lot of input on this by your doctor. At the last minute. For a reason. Way to make me feel guilty in advance for something that might become a medical necessity.
Worried About Your Post Baby Body? -seriously? Nah, I was just thinking all those famous women shrunk right back up so it should be a cinch.
Must Have Baby ________ For The First Year -yay, nice to know the folks that subconsciously shape your purchasing in the. regular womens' mags have trained this bunch too.
Pregnancy Fashion -now, this is actually like the comedy section for me. All of the 'fashion' spreads in the magazines I have seen are chuckle worthy, since they take these models (models!) who look bloated and uncomfortable and put them in high heels and fancy dresses. Nobody looks remotely happy.
Cord Blood Banking -is it for you? -An overview of how valuable cord blood banking is, and a true examination of why it is totally OK to store something at ridiculous expense for the exclusive use of your family in the 0.03% chance you might need it or be able to use it, vice donating to a national database where you and others would have access to possible life saving care in the future.
And of course, the advertising. Fat babies, pudgy kids, skinny babies (OK, not that many skinny babies since the fat ones are supposed to be 'cuter'), all shilling some thing that you may or (more likely) may not need. Oh, and about as much boobie as a Nat Geo magazine, although they do all have babies attached to them. My favorite? An ad for a Boppy pillow that straight up tells you that if you don't buy a new one for your second child, he will know that he is less important to you than your first child is. Wow. All I can say about that is Wow.
Any wonder I'm now reading a biography of Andrew Jackson?
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