One of the first things I wanted to do after I found out that I was pregnant was to buy some books. I should quickly say that I do love to buy me some books and generally can't get out of a bookstore for under $75, so this was not a strange feeling for me. Oh woe was me upon discovering that 98.2% of the pregnancy, parenting, and baby books out there are really not written with people like me in mind. That would be, generally speaking, people with a mind.
First of all, if you are 22, did not pay attention in any science class in any school you attended, have ADD, or love people who owe their celebrity to Oprah, we will not agree on this topic. Stop reading now and I won't have to apologize for having hurt your feelings.
However, if you are not 22, did pay attention at some point to a little science, do not have ADD, and like me, detest everyone whose celebrity was a gift from Oprah, good luck. Most of the books out there are not written or printed with you in mind. First, you've got your standard warnings, which I will loosely summarize for you. YOU ARE SCREWED. You can't avoid eating things that will cause terrible things to happen to your kid, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but soon, and for the rest of its life. Then, you have the totally contradictory 'advice' on weight gain and pregnancy diet. You'll be told, Mr. Hyde style, that you should make all calories count, that it is important to moderate your weight gain so that it is slow and steady throughout the pregnancy, and that you are nourishing your child with every piece of food energy you ingest. Next, your friend Dr. Jekyll will use his scary voice to let you know that very few women actually stay within the weight guidelines, that you will be so hungry that you're likely to eat the arm off your husband if you aren't inhaling whatever it is you might want to eat at any moment, and that there is no way you'll ever get enough of all the recommended nutrients that you absolutely need to have to ensure a healthy baby. And as if that's not enough, you're told that if you don't like the giant thing you're becoming just don't look in the mirror. Because that's advice that we're all capable of listening to.
Then we move on to the possible complications, but you can relax. They're all normal, except when they're not. This will be followed with mostly ambiguous warning signs and the startlingly similar list of things that just happen to all the gals. Oh, and in case you weren't feeling stressed out enough (which you know you shouldn't be doing since it's important to remain calm at all times for the sake of the baby), let's talk about the actual labor and delivery and how wonderful (I mean HOLY CRAP look at all the things that can go wrong and FML how much this is all going to hurt) it will all be. There are likely to be several stories in these sections about how strong and empowered you will feel if you decide not to use any pain management at all. These will be just before the section that actually deals with pain management for us pussies who plan on using it.
Don't you feel so much better being informed now? Oh, don't forget to sign up for a 9 month subscription to a pregnancy magazine, so that every month you can read the same thing, slightly different. A sampling of headlines, although they will be slightly altered each month and moved around on the cover so you feel like you're getting some new information:
Why You Really Don't Want a C-Section. -wow, thanks, because last I checked there was a lot of input on this by your doctor. At the last minute. For a reason. Way to make me feel guilty in advance for something that might become a medical necessity.
Worried About Your Post Baby Body? -seriously? Nah, I was just thinking all those famous women shrunk right back up so it should be a cinch.
Must Have Baby ________ For The First Year -yay, nice to know the folks that subconsciously shape your purchasing in the. regular womens' mags have trained this bunch too.
Pregnancy Fashion -now, this is actually like the comedy section for me. All of the 'fashion' spreads in the magazines I have seen are chuckle worthy, since they take these models (models!) who look bloated and uncomfortable and put them in high heels and fancy dresses. Nobody looks remotely happy.
Cord Blood Banking -is it for you? -An overview of how valuable cord blood banking is, and a true examination of why it is totally OK to store something at ridiculous expense for the exclusive use of your family in the 0.03% chance you might need it or be able to use it, vice donating to a national database where you and others would have access to possible life saving care in the future.
And of course, the advertising. Fat babies, pudgy kids, skinny babies (OK, not that many skinny babies since the fat ones are supposed to be 'cuter'), all shilling some thing that you may or (more likely) may not need. Oh, and about as much boobie as a Nat Geo magazine, although they do all have babies attached to them. My favorite? An ad for a Boppy pillow that straight up tells you that if you don't buy a new one for your second child, he will know that he is less important to you than your first child is. Wow. All I can say about that is Wow.
Any wonder I'm now reading a biography of Andrew Jackson?
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