Lately, I have had more time to think (especially when I should be sleeping....say at 3am). So, may I present, for your entertainment, a few little ditties that have been on Top 40 rotation in my mind..........
'All I Want For Christmas is a Good Night's Sleep'
All I want for Christmas is a good night's sleep
A good night's sleep
A good night's sleep
A good night's sleep
All I want for Christmas is a good night's sleep
So I can function like a normal person.
'Ankle Swells'
Ankle swells, ankle swells
Swollen all the way
Oh what fun it is to see your ankles swell away!
'O Vanished Feet'
O vanished feet
O vanished feet
My sight line to you keeps changing.
And finally,
'The 9 Months of Pregnancy'
On the first month of pregnancy my body gave to me a dose of crushing fatigue....
2 tender boobies
3 food aversions
4 raging hormones
Morning sickness
6 tiny bladders
7 pants elastic
8 month's expanding
9 OB appointments
Friday, December 24, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
baby edumication
You know when you go against your better judgement? How you kick yourself for not listening to that (sarcastic and pessimistic) little voice in your head that tells you to not do something? Well, that was me the other day when I woke up feeling a little, well, let's just say hesitant about the benefits of going to a breastfeeding class.... and then went to the darn thing anyway.
I've done some reading on this topic so I wasn't exactly sure how much new information there would be but I decided that if I even got one new insight out of the class it would have been worth it. So, with that in mind, I got up early, walked the dog, had my morning espresso, and drove up to the class.
When I arrived, one of the hospital techs was holding about six plastic babies under one arm, which really made me wish I had brought my camera. I asked him if it was OK to carry just one baby loosely under the arm, or if you really needed to have more than one to make the hold 'officially condoned', but sadly I am not learning to temper my sarcasm, nor apparently does he recognise me, because he took the question rather seriously and admonished me to never ever hold even one baby this way OK, I assured him, but I couldn't help adding that it looked comfortable. Meanwhile, the class leader was giving us directions to the conference room by dangling another plastic baby over a 25 foot drop and pointing downward. Awesome.
The pupils assembled, the power point engaged, and here we go people! Let's start with the benefits of breastfeeding...... and let me warn you about one thing. If anyone asks you why you are planning on breast over bottle do not, I repeat do not, cheerfully reply "because I am vain and I am cheap". Well, if you want to suss out the one cool, not uber uptight woman in the room give it a try, because when all the other mommy-types give you dirty looks you will know who you aren't going to be friends with. Spoiler alert: the correct answer is 'because it is so much better for the baby I couldn't imagine doing anything else'. Not many people admit to liking the whole 'making it easier to lose weight after the baby is born and not having to pay for formula' argument, but hell's bell's they seem like two big pluses to me.
And, just a small piece of advice: if you're going to be teaching a class based on a power point presentation, at least do us the favor of reading through the slides in advance. Enough said on that little topic. Eh, wait, I've got one more too: it might be best if you did not, as one of the pregnant women, make a comment about how you should have had a double espresso this morning. Well, at least if all the pregnant women in the room are Americans; if they are European go for it, they'll likely all agree with you instead of giving you the (you're poisioning your baby) stink eye.
So, you might be curious to know what I learned in class. I'll share with you some of the best questions from the other participants just so you can get a feel for things. Ready?
-on the topic of feeding pumped milk/formula from a bottle: "I have to heat the milk because it is much more nutritious warm, right?" Yes, that was an actual question.
-"If I eat a lot of chocolate, will my baby be addicted to chocolate?" Um, no.
-"I think I'm going to bottle feed because I don't really like healthy foods. I like to eat junk food mostly." Seriously, breast v bottle might not be the biggest dietary challenge your kid is going to face, but I'm just guessing on that one.
and, my favorite comment..........
-"why are you saying it will hurt when my baby breast feeds? It doesn't hurt when my husband plays with my nipples". Yeah. OK, well, just. Phew.
That was two hours of my life I'll never get back. Thanks for playing!
I've done some reading on this topic so I wasn't exactly sure how much new information there would be but I decided that if I even got one new insight out of the class it would have been worth it. So, with that in mind, I got up early, walked the dog, had my morning espresso, and drove up to the class.
When I arrived, one of the hospital techs was holding about six plastic babies under one arm, which really made me wish I had brought my camera. I asked him if it was OK to carry just one baby loosely under the arm, or if you really needed to have more than one to make the hold 'officially condoned', but sadly I am not learning to temper my sarcasm, nor apparently does he recognise me, because he took the question rather seriously and admonished me to never ever hold even one baby this way OK, I assured him, but I couldn't help adding that it looked comfortable. Meanwhile, the class leader was giving us directions to the conference room by dangling another plastic baby over a 25 foot drop and pointing downward. Awesome.
The pupils assembled, the power point engaged, and here we go people! Let's start with the benefits of breastfeeding...... and let me warn you about one thing. If anyone asks you why you are planning on breast over bottle do not, I repeat do not, cheerfully reply "because I am vain and I am cheap". Well, if you want to suss out the one cool, not uber uptight woman in the room give it a try, because when all the other mommy-types give you dirty looks you will know who you aren't going to be friends with. Spoiler alert: the correct answer is 'because it is so much better for the baby I couldn't imagine doing anything else'. Not many people admit to liking the whole 'making it easier to lose weight after the baby is born and not having to pay for formula' argument, but hell's bell's they seem like two big pluses to me.
And, just a small piece of advice: if you're going to be teaching a class based on a power point presentation, at least do us the favor of reading through the slides in advance. Enough said on that little topic. Eh, wait, I've got one more too: it might be best if you did not, as one of the pregnant women, make a comment about how you should have had a double espresso this morning. Well, at least if all the pregnant women in the room are Americans; if they are European go for it, they'll likely all agree with you instead of giving you the (you're poisioning your baby) stink eye.
So, you might be curious to know what I learned in class. I'll share with you some of the best questions from the other participants just so you can get a feel for things. Ready?
-on the topic of feeding pumped milk/formula from a bottle: "I have to heat the milk because it is much more nutritious warm, right?" Yes, that was an actual question.
-"If I eat a lot of chocolate, will my baby be addicted to chocolate?" Um, no.
-"I think I'm going to bottle feed because I don't really like healthy foods. I like to eat junk food mostly." Seriously, breast v bottle might not be the biggest dietary challenge your kid is going to face, but I'm just guessing on that one.
and, my favorite comment..........
-"why are you saying it will hurt when my baby breast feeds? It doesn't hurt when my husband plays with my nipples". Yeah. OK, well, just. Phew.
That was two hours of my life I'll never get back. Thanks for playing!
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Lazy Conversationalists
Apparently, I have now graduated to the point where I obviously want to talk about one thing and one thing only.
Who knew that as my belly grew my brain would, apparently, shrink?
So, yes, I'd love to spend an entire dinner talking with you about pregnancy, babies, and kids. I am, of course, fascinated by stories of other people's gestation, delivery, and child rearing experiences. Really, being regaled with tales such as these is the only reason I drag myself out of bed every morning. I never realized my life was so incomplete when I was thinking and talking about ridiculous topics that I previously found interesting. Politics, art, literature, food, wine, and even the weather are now such banal time wasters that I can't fathom even a few minutes spent on their discussion.
Just to make my life complete, please do tell me about all the side effects and/or complications you had with your pregnancy; I LOVE this stuff. And, yes, tell me how much weight you gained before you ask the (wholly inappropriate) question of what the scale tells me. Oh, pretty please I do so very much want to know how long you were in labor and how exhausted you felt afterward but not to worry because it is 'all so worth it and you'll forget all about it anyway'. If I'm going to forget about it why haven't you? And, more importantly, why do you feel the need to relive it as you tell me every tiny detail.....
If your little monster is misbehaving, perhaps you should focus on him rather than sidling in to tell me 'that baby will never be as easy to take care of as it is right now'. Really? Because if your kid were my kid, I would have taken him to the proverbial woodshed by now instead of telling tales to people who don't want to hear them.
Now, not everyone with kids does this. Just like not every old person speaks only of their various ailments. Maybe this is not a coincidence? Do the younger people who only speak of pregnancy/children grow into the old people who only talk about bodily functions/enemas? I'll check back in 35 years from now and let you know.
Who knew that as my belly grew my brain would, apparently, shrink?
So, yes, I'd love to spend an entire dinner talking with you about pregnancy, babies, and kids. I am, of course, fascinated by stories of other people's gestation, delivery, and child rearing experiences. Really, being regaled with tales such as these is the only reason I drag myself out of bed every morning. I never realized my life was so incomplete when I was thinking and talking about ridiculous topics that I previously found interesting. Politics, art, literature, food, wine, and even the weather are now such banal time wasters that I can't fathom even a few minutes spent on their discussion.
Just to make my life complete, please do tell me about all the side effects and/or complications you had with your pregnancy; I LOVE this stuff. And, yes, tell me how much weight you gained before you ask the (wholly inappropriate) question of what the scale tells me. Oh, pretty please I do so very much want to know how long you were in labor and how exhausted you felt afterward but not to worry because it is 'all so worth it and you'll forget all about it anyway'. If I'm going to forget about it why haven't you? And, more importantly, why do you feel the need to relive it as you tell me every tiny detail.....
If your little monster is misbehaving, perhaps you should focus on him rather than sidling in to tell me 'that baby will never be as easy to take care of as it is right now'. Really? Because if your kid were my kid, I would have taken him to the proverbial woodshed by now instead of telling tales to people who don't want to hear them.
Now, not everyone with kids does this. Just like not every old person speaks only of their various ailments. Maybe this is not a coincidence? Do the younger people who only speak of pregnancy/children grow into the old people who only talk about bodily functions/enemas? I'll check back in 35 years from now and let you know.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)