baby edumication

You know when you go against your better judgement?  How you kick yourself for not listening to that (sarcastic and pessimistic) little voice in your head that tells you to not do something?  Well, that was me the other day when I woke up feeling a little, well, let's just say hesitant about the benefits of going to a breastfeeding class.... and then went to the darn thing anyway.

I've done some reading on this topic so I wasn't exactly sure how much new information there would be but I decided that if I even got one new insight out of the class it would have been worth it.  So, with that in mind, I got up early, walked the dog, had my morning espresso, and drove up to the class.

When I arrived, one of the hospital techs was holding about six plastic babies under one arm, which really made me wish I had brought my camera.  I asked him if it was OK to carry just one baby loosely under the arm, or if you really needed to have more than one to make the hold 'officially condoned', but sadly I am not learning to temper my sarcasm, nor apparently does he recognise me, because he took the question rather seriously and admonished me to never ever hold even one baby this way  OK, I assured him, but I couldn't help adding that it looked comfortable.  Meanwhile, the class leader was giving us directions to the conference room by dangling another plastic baby over a 25 foot drop and pointing downward.  Awesome.

The pupils assembled, the power point engaged, and here we go people!  Let's start with the benefits of breastfeeding...... and let me warn you about one thing.  If anyone asks you why you are planning on breast over bottle do not, I repeat do not, cheerfully reply "because I am vain and I am cheap".  Well, if you want to suss out the one cool, not uber uptight woman in the room give it a try, because when all the other mommy-types give you dirty looks you will know who you aren't going to be friends with.   Spoiler alert: the correct answer is 'because it is so much better for the baby I couldn't imagine doing anything else'.  Not many people admit to liking the whole 'making it easier to lose weight after the baby is born and not having to pay for formula' argument, but hell's bell's they seem like two big pluses to me.

And, just a small piece of advice: if you're going to be teaching a class based on a power point presentation, at least do us the favor of reading through the slides in advance.  Enough said on that little topic.   Eh, wait, I've got one more too: it might be best if you did not, as one of the pregnant women, make a comment about how you should have had a double espresso this morning.  Well, at least if all the pregnant women in the room are Americans; if they are European go for it, they'll likely all agree with you instead of giving you the (you're poisioning your baby) stink eye.

So, you might be curious to know what I learned in class.  I'll share with you some of the best questions from the other participants just so you can get a feel for things.  Ready?

-on the topic of feeding pumped milk/formula from a bottle: "I have to heat the milk because it is much more nutritious warm, right?"      Yes, that was an actual question.

-"If I eat a lot of chocolate, will my baby be addicted to chocolate?"   Um, no.

-"I think I'm going to bottle feed because I don't really like healthy foods.  I like to eat junk food mostly."  Seriously, breast v bottle might not be the biggest dietary challenge your kid is going to face, but I'm just guessing on that one.

and, my favorite comment..........
-"why are you saying it will hurt when my baby breast feeds?  It doesn't hurt when my husband plays with my nipples".    Yeah.  OK, well, just.  Phew.

That was two hours of my life I'll never get back.  Thanks for playing!