Don't tase me, bro

Yesterday, we went in for an OB appointment.  I say 'we' even though the kid clearly has very little say in where he goes at this point, so for all he knew it was just another trip to the store.  Pretty soon, mommy was gonna have some 'splainin to do.

As part of the appointment, we were scheduled for an ultrasound and a non stress test, or NST.  An NST is a fantastic procedure where you sit in a chair with a couple of monitors strapped to your giant belly (Spherical yet pointy in parts) while the machine records baby's heart rate and your contractions (if any), and everyone comes in to look at you.  Basically, you are like one of those giant tunas at a fish market, strapped to a slab, being checked out for your fat content.  It's awesome!

Now, when your kid is uncooperative (go figure!) and isn't giving the kind of readings they want to see, things get fun.  First, someone will come in and apologize before 'touching' your belly- i.e. poking it around a little (I can do that myself, thanks!).  Then someone will shake it. Yes, shake it.  Like a polaroid picture, to quote a little Andre 3000.  Meh, says the kid.  So they break out the taser.

To be fair, this is not actually a taser, but a device that produces some sort of 'auditory stimulation'.  But seriously, it looks like a baby taser, and it had a similar effect.  Luckily the nurse thought it was pretty funny when I actually said "Don't tase me, bro" before she put this little device to my belly and pressed the button.

Holy Pissed Off Baby, Batman!  Let's just say there was some thrashing around before someone decided that what had just happened was not cool.  Apparently the genes from my side of the family are alive and well in that boy, because 1) he has a temper and 2) he can hold a grudge.  From this moment on, he became a sworn enemy of the heartrate monitor and began to literally attack it.  Punching, kicking, etc.  'Well', said the nurse, 'at least that got his heart rate up where we wanted it'.   For the next 15 minutes, the kid would systematically wage all out baby war on the monitor, even finding it if it had been moved to continue the pummelling.  Most of the salvos actually hit their target, visibly moving the monitor. 

Maybe we've got a future pro baseball pitcher on our hands.... as long as he can find more appropriate motivation than shocking stimulation that is.