Lately, I have had more time to think (especially when I should be sleeping....say at 3am). So, may I present, for your entertainment, a few little ditties that have been on Top 40 rotation in my mind..........
'All I Want For Christmas is a Good Night's Sleep'
All I want for Christmas is a good night's sleep
A good night's sleep
A good night's sleep
A good night's sleep
All I want for Christmas is a good night's sleep
So I can function like a normal person.
'Ankle Swells'
Ankle swells, ankle swells
Swollen all the way
Oh what fun it is to see your ankles swell away!
'O Vanished Feet'
O vanished feet
O vanished feet
My sight line to you keeps changing.
And finally,
'The 9 Months of Pregnancy'
On the first month of pregnancy my body gave to me a dose of crushing fatigue....
2 tender boobies
3 food aversions
4 raging hormones
Morning sickness
6 tiny bladders
7 pants elastic
8 month's expanding
9 OB appointments
Friday, December 24, 2010
Sunday, December 19, 2010
baby edumication
You know when you go against your better judgement? How you kick yourself for not listening to that (sarcastic and pessimistic) little voice in your head that tells you to not do something? Well, that was me the other day when I woke up feeling a little, well, let's just say hesitant about the benefits of going to a breastfeeding class.... and then went to the darn thing anyway.
I've done some reading on this topic so I wasn't exactly sure how much new information there would be but I decided that if I even got one new insight out of the class it would have been worth it. So, with that in mind, I got up early, walked the dog, had my morning espresso, and drove up to the class.
When I arrived, one of the hospital techs was holding about six plastic babies under one arm, which really made me wish I had brought my camera. I asked him if it was OK to carry just one baby loosely under the arm, or if you really needed to have more than one to make the hold 'officially condoned', but sadly I am not learning to temper my sarcasm, nor apparently does he recognise me, because he took the question rather seriously and admonished me to never ever hold even one baby this way OK, I assured him, but I couldn't help adding that it looked comfortable. Meanwhile, the class leader was giving us directions to the conference room by dangling another plastic baby over a 25 foot drop and pointing downward. Awesome.
The pupils assembled, the power point engaged, and here we go people! Let's start with the benefits of breastfeeding...... and let me warn you about one thing. If anyone asks you why you are planning on breast over bottle do not, I repeat do not, cheerfully reply "because I am vain and I am cheap". Well, if you want to suss out the one cool, not uber uptight woman in the room give it a try, because when all the other mommy-types give you dirty looks you will know who you aren't going to be friends with. Spoiler alert: the correct answer is 'because it is so much better for the baby I couldn't imagine doing anything else'. Not many people admit to liking the whole 'making it easier to lose weight after the baby is born and not having to pay for formula' argument, but hell's bell's they seem like two big pluses to me.
And, just a small piece of advice: if you're going to be teaching a class based on a power point presentation, at least do us the favor of reading through the slides in advance. Enough said on that little topic. Eh, wait, I've got one more too: it might be best if you did not, as one of the pregnant women, make a comment about how you should have had a double espresso this morning. Well, at least if all the pregnant women in the room are Americans; if they are European go for it, they'll likely all agree with you instead of giving you the (you're poisioning your baby) stink eye.
So, you might be curious to know what I learned in class. I'll share with you some of the best questions from the other participants just so you can get a feel for things. Ready?
-on the topic of feeding pumped milk/formula from a bottle: "I have to heat the milk because it is much more nutritious warm, right?" Yes, that was an actual question.
-"If I eat a lot of chocolate, will my baby be addicted to chocolate?" Um, no.
-"I think I'm going to bottle feed because I don't really like healthy foods. I like to eat junk food mostly." Seriously, breast v bottle might not be the biggest dietary challenge your kid is going to face, but I'm just guessing on that one.
and, my favorite comment..........
-"why are you saying it will hurt when my baby breast feeds? It doesn't hurt when my husband plays with my nipples". Yeah. OK, well, just. Phew.
That was two hours of my life I'll never get back. Thanks for playing!
I've done some reading on this topic so I wasn't exactly sure how much new information there would be but I decided that if I even got one new insight out of the class it would have been worth it. So, with that in mind, I got up early, walked the dog, had my morning espresso, and drove up to the class.
When I arrived, one of the hospital techs was holding about six plastic babies under one arm, which really made me wish I had brought my camera. I asked him if it was OK to carry just one baby loosely under the arm, or if you really needed to have more than one to make the hold 'officially condoned', but sadly I am not learning to temper my sarcasm, nor apparently does he recognise me, because he took the question rather seriously and admonished me to never ever hold even one baby this way OK, I assured him, but I couldn't help adding that it looked comfortable. Meanwhile, the class leader was giving us directions to the conference room by dangling another plastic baby over a 25 foot drop and pointing downward. Awesome.
The pupils assembled, the power point engaged, and here we go people! Let's start with the benefits of breastfeeding...... and let me warn you about one thing. If anyone asks you why you are planning on breast over bottle do not, I repeat do not, cheerfully reply "because I am vain and I am cheap". Well, if you want to suss out the one cool, not uber uptight woman in the room give it a try, because when all the other mommy-types give you dirty looks you will know who you aren't going to be friends with. Spoiler alert: the correct answer is 'because it is so much better for the baby I couldn't imagine doing anything else'. Not many people admit to liking the whole 'making it easier to lose weight after the baby is born and not having to pay for formula' argument, but hell's bell's they seem like two big pluses to me.
And, just a small piece of advice: if you're going to be teaching a class based on a power point presentation, at least do us the favor of reading through the slides in advance. Enough said on that little topic. Eh, wait, I've got one more too: it might be best if you did not, as one of the pregnant women, make a comment about how you should have had a double espresso this morning. Well, at least if all the pregnant women in the room are Americans; if they are European go for it, they'll likely all agree with you instead of giving you the (you're poisioning your baby) stink eye.
So, you might be curious to know what I learned in class. I'll share with you some of the best questions from the other participants just so you can get a feel for things. Ready?
-on the topic of feeding pumped milk/formula from a bottle: "I have to heat the milk because it is much more nutritious warm, right?" Yes, that was an actual question.
-"If I eat a lot of chocolate, will my baby be addicted to chocolate?" Um, no.
-"I think I'm going to bottle feed because I don't really like healthy foods. I like to eat junk food mostly." Seriously, breast v bottle might not be the biggest dietary challenge your kid is going to face, but I'm just guessing on that one.
and, my favorite comment..........
-"why are you saying it will hurt when my baby breast feeds? It doesn't hurt when my husband plays with my nipples". Yeah. OK, well, just. Phew.
That was two hours of my life I'll never get back. Thanks for playing!
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Lazy Conversationalists
Apparently, I have now graduated to the point where I obviously want to talk about one thing and one thing only.
Who knew that as my belly grew my brain would, apparently, shrink?
So, yes, I'd love to spend an entire dinner talking with you about pregnancy, babies, and kids. I am, of course, fascinated by stories of other people's gestation, delivery, and child rearing experiences. Really, being regaled with tales such as these is the only reason I drag myself out of bed every morning. I never realized my life was so incomplete when I was thinking and talking about ridiculous topics that I previously found interesting. Politics, art, literature, food, wine, and even the weather are now such banal time wasters that I can't fathom even a few minutes spent on their discussion.
Just to make my life complete, please do tell me about all the side effects and/or complications you had with your pregnancy; I LOVE this stuff. And, yes, tell me how much weight you gained before you ask the (wholly inappropriate) question of what the scale tells me. Oh, pretty please I do so very much want to know how long you were in labor and how exhausted you felt afterward but not to worry because it is 'all so worth it and you'll forget all about it anyway'. If I'm going to forget about it why haven't you? And, more importantly, why do you feel the need to relive it as you tell me every tiny detail.....
If your little monster is misbehaving, perhaps you should focus on him rather than sidling in to tell me 'that baby will never be as easy to take care of as it is right now'. Really? Because if your kid were my kid, I would have taken him to the proverbial woodshed by now instead of telling tales to people who don't want to hear them.
Now, not everyone with kids does this. Just like not every old person speaks only of their various ailments. Maybe this is not a coincidence? Do the younger people who only speak of pregnancy/children grow into the old people who only talk about bodily functions/enemas? I'll check back in 35 years from now and let you know.
Who knew that as my belly grew my brain would, apparently, shrink?
So, yes, I'd love to spend an entire dinner talking with you about pregnancy, babies, and kids. I am, of course, fascinated by stories of other people's gestation, delivery, and child rearing experiences. Really, being regaled with tales such as these is the only reason I drag myself out of bed every morning. I never realized my life was so incomplete when I was thinking and talking about ridiculous topics that I previously found interesting. Politics, art, literature, food, wine, and even the weather are now such banal time wasters that I can't fathom even a few minutes spent on their discussion.
Just to make my life complete, please do tell me about all the side effects and/or complications you had with your pregnancy; I LOVE this stuff. And, yes, tell me how much weight you gained before you ask the (wholly inappropriate) question of what the scale tells me. Oh, pretty please I do so very much want to know how long you were in labor and how exhausted you felt afterward but not to worry because it is 'all so worth it and you'll forget all about it anyway'. If I'm going to forget about it why haven't you? And, more importantly, why do you feel the need to relive it as you tell me every tiny detail.....
If your little monster is misbehaving, perhaps you should focus on him rather than sidling in to tell me 'that baby will never be as easy to take care of as it is right now'. Really? Because if your kid were my kid, I would have taken him to the proverbial woodshed by now instead of telling tales to people who don't want to hear them.
Now, not everyone with kids does this. Just like not every old person speaks only of their various ailments. Maybe this is not a coincidence? Do the younger people who only speak of pregnancy/children grow into the old people who only talk about bodily functions/enemas? I'll check back in 35 years from now and let you know.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
Hey Lady, eyes up!
Hmmmm... usually this happens with men and, ahem, another body part (or two). But yesterday, I 'met' a woman who was clearly not thinking of me as a whole person.
Prior to now, introductions were fairly standard and always assumed that the person you were meeting had a name. So imagine my surprise when a woman chose to begin her 'conversation' with me by avoiding eye contact, looking directly at my stomach area and asking "is this your first pregnancy?".
Not "What's your name?"
Not "Hi, I'm Brenda...."
Mmmm. So, I'm a body part to you? I'm just going to hazard a guess here, but we're not likely to get along. My one word answer should have been your clue to step off, but no, maybe you're right lady. It WILL be fun to continue to pester me without actually attempting to ask my name... go ahead, tell me that story about a couple you know, who are clearly crazy because they have been married ten years and are just now having a baby. You have found the perfect person to confide in, especially since you have made such an effort to learn so much about me.
And, just when it appears I've managed to get away from you, please feel free to notice that I'm eating red curry for lunch. Then please feel free to comment, loudly, that I shouldn't be eating that because 'it could hurt the baby'.
Honestly, I have to say I prefer the ogling, assumptions, and inane conversations I got when guys judge me based on body parts.
Prior to now, introductions were fairly standard and always assumed that the person you were meeting had a name. So imagine my surprise when a woman chose to begin her 'conversation' with me by avoiding eye contact, looking directly at my stomach area and asking "is this your first pregnancy?".
Not "What's your name?"
Not "Hi, I'm Brenda...."
Mmmm. So, I'm a body part to you? I'm just going to hazard a guess here, but we're not likely to get along. My one word answer should have been your clue to step off, but no, maybe you're right lady. It WILL be fun to continue to pester me without actually attempting to ask my name... go ahead, tell me that story about a couple you know, who are clearly crazy because they have been married ten years and are just now having a baby. You have found the perfect person to confide in, especially since you have made such an effort to learn so much about me.
And, just when it appears I've managed to get away from you, please feel free to notice that I'm eating red curry for lunch. Then please feel free to comment, loudly, that I shouldn't be eating that because 'it could hurt the baby'.
Honestly, I have to say I prefer the ogling, assumptions, and inane conversations I got when guys judge me based on body parts.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
I probably shouldn't admit this but......
Whenever I hear someone say 'babywearing' my next thought is always, and I mean always
"It puts the lotion in the basket"
Because, really, it just sounds like you're trying to make a shirt out of that kid. I think I'm going to call it 'hands free holding'. Who's with me?
"It puts the lotion in the basket"
Because, really, it just sounds like you're trying to make a shirt out of that kid. I think I'm going to call it 'hands free holding'. Who's with me?
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
While you rub my belly, mind if I grab your ass?
It has recently come to my attention that pregnant women are socially accepted as public property. More specifically, anything in the abdominal area appears to be open for buddha business.
Go ahead, try to touch me. I dare you. Maybe you'll start to understand why everyone is so obsessed with the whole 'ten fingers, ten toes' thing when you lose a couple of 'em.
Let me spell this out for you; unless you are the one who put this baby in this uterus, the rule is hands off. No woman gets pregnant just to make sure that people are going to rub her 'round area'.... well, maybe a few women do actually do this, but you probably ought to put on some gloves before you touch those doozies. Frankly it is strange to me that I should even have to spell this out. Would people think it approprate if we all started grabbing the breasts of recently augmented women just because they are bigger than they used to be? I don't suggest you try that one either, at least not without some bail money set aside.
Most people have seemed genuinely suprised at my unwelcoming attitute to this brazen lack of manners and invasion of privacy, and a couple have even looked hurt when I tell them to get their mitts off me. To those people I say "What the hell is wrong with you idiots?!".
How about we address some specific justifications for this invasion of privacy:
'But you look beautiful' well, thank you but last I checked I was still pretty OK looking before I got myself knocked up and you wouldn't have thought it acceptable to just start laying hands all over me before....
'But it's for good luck' let's just see how that works out for you in the immediate.
'I just want to see if I can feel the baby' What if I tell you it feels like a gut punch; or better yet, simulate it for you?
'Don't you like it' Yes, I love feeling like common livestock, so thanks for reading my mind and indulging me.
I would just like to add that it is not like I exude a welcoming aura. I guarantee that I come across as less touchable than buddha. By far.
Go ahead, try to touch me. I dare you. Maybe you'll start to understand why everyone is so obsessed with the whole 'ten fingers, ten toes' thing when you lose a couple of 'em.
Let me spell this out for you; unless you are the one who put this baby in this uterus, the rule is hands off. No woman gets pregnant just to make sure that people are going to rub her 'round area'.... well, maybe a few women do actually do this, but you probably ought to put on some gloves before you touch those doozies. Frankly it is strange to me that I should even have to spell this out. Would people think it approprate if we all started grabbing the breasts of recently augmented women just because they are bigger than they used to be? I don't suggest you try that one either, at least not without some bail money set aside.
Most people have seemed genuinely suprised at my unwelcoming attitute to this brazen lack of manners and invasion of privacy, and a couple have even looked hurt when I tell them to get their mitts off me. To those people I say "What the hell is wrong with you idiots?!".
How about we address some specific justifications for this invasion of privacy:
'But you look beautiful' well, thank you but last I checked I was still pretty OK looking before I got myself knocked up and you wouldn't have thought it acceptable to just start laying hands all over me before....
'But it's for good luck' let's just see how that works out for you in the immediate.
'I just want to see if I can feel the baby' What if I tell you it feels like a gut punch; or better yet, simulate it for you?
'Don't you like it' Yes, I love feeling like common livestock, so thanks for reading my mind and indulging me.
I would just like to add that it is not like I exude a welcoming aura. I guarantee that I come across as less touchable than buddha. By far.
Friday, October 22, 2010
Adventures in Babysitting
If you're not old enough to remember this movie, stop reading now because I might be about to start complaining about your peer group......
I've already talked about the young guy in the OB department who is more cheerful than smart, but as it turns out, he's got some friends. They work the front desk, 'work' being used liberally in this case, and some of them join him in getting the rooms/patients ready for the doctor. At my last appointment, the room tech was making small talk with me when she asked if we knew the sex of the baby. 'Yes, its a boy' I replied, to which she exclaimed "That's amazing!". Unable to stop myself, I reminded her that it really wasn't that amazing, since we had only two possibilities going in. I mean, suprising sure, but amazing? If I'm giving you news that you clearly didn't expect, then I'd think you might be entitled to go with 'Amazing'...... but if you work in this department, you've probably heard both answers before.
Upon the conclusion of my appointment, the Doc told me to make an appointment for four weeks from now at the desk before I left. Dutifully, I walk up to the desk and wait while the techs discuss different stereo speaker options. Finally, one notices that I'm standing there and asks me what I need. An appointment, I tell her. "Why?" she asks me. "Because Dr. told me to make one for four weeks from now", I reply. "No, I meant, why, like what for?" says the tech, clearly trying to win her Brownie badge for customer service. "What am I supposed to put as the reason for the appointment?" There is some obvious confusion here, and we talk through the fact that the Dr. told me to come back in four weeks. "Well, but Why?". Really?
Now, forgive me. This may seem obvious to me, but you work in the OB department. All the women here are pregnant, myself included. We are all taking orders from the doctor, which we then pass on to you. I assure you, I am not trying to create a secret, stealth appointment for a pedicure. And yet, you ask 'Why?'....
I've already talked about the young guy in the OB department who is more cheerful than smart, but as it turns out, he's got some friends. They work the front desk, 'work' being used liberally in this case, and some of them join him in getting the rooms/patients ready for the doctor. At my last appointment, the room tech was making small talk with me when she asked if we knew the sex of the baby. 'Yes, its a boy' I replied, to which she exclaimed "That's amazing!". Unable to stop myself, I reminded her that it really wasn't that amazing, since we had only two possibilities going in. I mean, suprising sure, but amazing? If I'm giving you news that you clearly didn't expect, then I'd think you might be entitled to go with 'Amazing'...... but if you work in this department, you've probably heard both answers before.
Upon the conclusion of my appointment, the Doc told me to make an appointment for four weeks from now at the desk before I left. Dutifully, I walk up to the desk and wait while the techs discuss different stereo speaker options. Finally, one notices that I'm standing there and asks me what I need. An appointment, I tell her. "Why?" she asks me. "Because Dr. told me to make one for four weeks from now", I reply. "No, I meant, why, like what for?" says the tech, clearly trying to win her Brownie badge for customer service. "What am I supposed to put as the reason for the appointment?" There is some obvious confusion here, and we talk through the fact that the Dr. told me to come back in four weeks. "Well, but Why?". Really?
Now, forgive me. This may seem obvious to me, but you work in the OB department. All the women here are pregnant, myself included. We are all taking orders from the doctor, which we then pass on to you. I assure you, I am not trying to create a secret, stealth appointment for a pedicure. And yet, you ask 'Why?'....
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